spiritual exploration
I’m working with a “lifer.” He’s expressed his personal exploration about why he thinks he’s lived so long. He’s in his seventh decade. And he’s come to the conclusion that it’s his purpose to guide ME to the light….to help ME “be saved.” And this ultimately means, accepting Jesus, as my Savior.
Most of our sessions have become more about him expressing his deep concern that I won’t be up there in heaven with him. And it does seem like deep concern –if you could see the look in his eyes. “I don’t want to be up there and asking around ‘where’s that good, kind PT lady’ and them saying you didn’t make it.”
It’s rich, considering he’s incarcerated for life (I don’t know his crime). And I’m the free person who’s lived an honest, crime-free life. I’m not perfectly good and I know I’ve not always been perfectly kind in all moments. But I’ve not been incarcerated for a crime. I could work anywhere else other than a prison, but I chose to help those that were underserved.
And each visit, he’s conjured up some other idea for me to explore. Some other way that will perhaps lead me to the light. I’ve told him he’s put in a tall order for himself.
He’s asked me to explore C.S. Lewis. I don’t have to explain to you why. But alas, even this once atheist author could not get me to lean towards belief in God.
He’s asked me to look up the Azusa Street Revival, of which he didn’t know all the details but surely the miracles that occured there could revive me. Nope, this drove me even further away from Pentacostalism.
He wants me to look up a new preacher this next week. I’m waiting for who this one is. He wrote me a note with a bunch of websites to look up. I don’t have big hopes for my being saved with these either. I’m just not on board with “do whatever in your life but ask the Lord for forgiveness and accept him as your Savior and all is forgiven and you are one of the Chosen.” I am, however, appreciative that these incarcerated individuals have found a belief system that makes them better humans. Nothing wrong in that. It’s the proselytizing that goads me.
But I will say it does have me exploring….along with the weekly Believing newsletter from the NYT’s. In addition to the above topics he steered me towards, I’ve watched The UnChosen. I’ve read A Well Trained Wife. Those certainly didn’t draw me into the belief system. More like an additional opposing magnetic push away.
I’m currently reading The Mystic Jesus: The Mind of Love, by Marianne Williamson. I thought it would allow for a more pragmatic way of thinking about Jesus. And it somewhat does. I can find myself just substituting other words for God or Jesus. And I can see the benefit of not blaming everything on others and “praying” for direction from some outward (yet inward) entity. And asking how one can be a better person. I can see benefit in Jesus as a kind, compassionate historical person and and ask myself, “What would Jesus do in this situation?”
However, at its base, it still asks that you believe in God. And that Jesus was the Savior. And I’m just not there yet.
So, will it be that my inmate patient lands in Heaven and I do not?
I would just hope that a true loving God would not judge me on this one belief (Jesus as Savior) but more how I spoke, acted and treated others and the planet in this one precious life.
And if that’s not the case, I don’t want to be included. Think of all the former inmates that would be there!
What are your thoughts on this? Also, I apologize if I offended anyone and their religious beliefs. These are merely mine in the context of this interaction with this individual and not meant to harm or judge you personally as the reader.
*just to note. Images are not from the prison as no devices are allowed in.
Prison PT 
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