loving yourself
Coming back today with hopefully a more uplifting report than my last post.
Also noting that, by the way, at the prison we don’t refer to them as inmates. They are respectfully “residents.” But if you ask any of them, they’ll say, “no, we’re inmates.” And for you, the general reader, you’ll likely get the reference to an “inmate” versus reading about a “resident.” Hence, my titles. Just in case you have any relations at this prison and are wondering about my terminology.
Ok, onward. I’ve been working with this patient for several months on various issues that have come up. And this is the first time that he shared this with me. Not sure about his timing for the share. Sometimes I wonder if something comes up in conversation that spurs them to share. They seem to really want me to know that they’re not the person they used to be.
We were talking as part of our check in. Somehow our conversation got steered to what we need to survive and be happy. I was mentioning how we don’t need a lot. Just keep it simple. Have a small safe place to live and access to healthy food and water. Something to take care of. Avoid having a lot of stuff.
He said, ” I used to have it all. A nice house on 5 acres, (in another state), cars, everything. Of course I was making my money illegally. But I had everything. I didn’t need any more. I turned into a monster. I can see that now. I wasn’t a good person.”
Then he shared how he was mentoring the younger ones coming in to the prison. He had already done a lot to help himself change and see how his behavior had caused his downfall. He said that monster had learned how to love himself.
“You have nothing if you don’t love yourself.” He said this not in an ego driven way. He meant that he never learned to appreciate and love himself for who he was. As a consequence, he used people, money, and things to create a false happiness.
And then he said something that made both of us tear up. “I hope to have a chance to get out of here. But I would stay here forever if it meant helping others learn from my mistakes.”
Really, forever,? I said. He had a very serious look to his face. Yes, forever, he said in a serious tone. I believe he’s a lifer with a parole date very far down the road. He may have just resigned himself to think this way as a way to cope. I don’t know this of course, I’m just coming up with that assessment as I write.
For him, it comes down to having a purpose for his time and his crime. As I’ve mentioned in previous posts, when I’ve asked my lifers what keeps them going….it comes down to having a purpose.
As I’m talking to my patients, I notice, it seems harder to help people on the outside find their purpose. It seems almost easier for those on the inside to find theirs.
*just to note, I’ll be leaving out the name of the institution that I work at. It’s a state prison for reference. Images are not from the prison as no devices are allowed in.
Prison PT 
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