contemplating JUDGMENT
I’ve been sitting on this one for a while. I wondered if I should even write about it. But here goes.
A patient on our roster was dealing with a debilitating neurological disease. I won’t even name it because it might be too revealing.
The disease does not have a good prognosis. And it’s one that you’d wish that the individual would be awarded compassionate release from their prison term. The decline is rapid. You wouldn’t foresee that individual committing another crime in that state.
So was the case for this particular individual. And we (my colleague and myself) really felt for him and were pressing for compassionate release to come through. And then it didn’t. Twice.
We started to wonder why. We’d seen other compassionate releases go through relatively quickly. Some for those with cancer and another with for another progressive neurological disease.
The needs for medical care for this individual eventually passed the capabilities of our hospital floor staffing. So he was transferred out to another institutution.
That’s when I heard what I didn’t want to hear. Other staff had always been a bit combative towards meeting his increasing demands for his care. We thought it was due to them just not caring. Granted, he told us one story. He complained about the negligence of staff. Meanwhile, staff reported his use of very harsh words towards those taking care of him.
I had assumed this anger came from the rapid decline of independence. At the same time there was a steadily increasing dependence on others for simple things. Preparing food. Changing positions. Going to the bathroom. Performing hygiene. Breathing. And who knows of the altered brain in this disease and how it might change someones affect and decision making.
I could empathize with his situation. And I would often suggest custody officers to have some empathy when transferring him around. He has something you wouldn’t wish on anyone.
And then I read things I didn’t want to read. Or shouldn’t have. Or at least happy I hadn’t read when he was under my care. His crime was unspeakable–a child involved.
And then I became aware that staff and custody might have known about his crime. This knowledge might have influenced their behavior towards him. And possibly came into the decisions made in regards to the compassionate release applications.
This individual had spoken to me about God and religion and opened up about all sorts of things. And I was honestly pulling for him regardless of his crime. Until I knew his crime. And then I couldn’t reconcile the person that was in my care to the person that did the things that he did.
I’m all for redemption. I hear stories every day about rising up and overcoming the past to become a better person. Those stories are a welcome part of my day.
But harming a small child and thus her mother–ultimately for the rest of their lives. Nope. Not ok on any level. I feel sick every time I recall that I shook his hand on the way out.
And then I found myself not caring what happened to him. Maybe he would die in prison in a debilitated state. There, I said it. It’s awful, right? His actions. His condition of having to die in prison like that. My thoughts. It’s all awful.
Just another good reminder to not know their crime while they’re under your care. Slow paced breathes to bring my heart beat back down and the tension wash away from my face.
*just to note, I’ll be leaving out the name of the institution that I work at. It’s a state prison for reference. Images are not from the prison as no devices are allowed in.
Prison PT 
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