shouldn’t have been, but I was
This was maybe our 4th visit together. He’s seeing me for an injury sustained after being shot. In prison. Fortunately, not ours. It occurred at a higher security prison, level IV, meaning those incarcerated there need to be watched a little more closely. A gun entering prison grounds begs the question, “what does high security mean?”
He was transferred to the prison I work at and he’s been in the “hole.” Here, this means “solitary,” but not in the way that you might think. He’s housed in isolation without main yard privileges and can’t leave his cell unless escorted in cuffs by custody. I have no idea his part in the shooting and why he’s the one in the hole, given that he was the one that was shot. I don’t want to know.
So, this guy is quiet-spoken. Receptive to any ideas I have to help him. Very intense eyes and always makes direct eye contact, so I can’t say he’s “gentle.” But when we talked about adding in Alternate Nostril Breath to help with anxious or angry thoughts, he makes sure to tell me he experiences anxious thoughts, but anger is not an issue.
He tells me he’s into a type of Mythology. Which now, as I look it up, makes total sense. He has this type of mythology tattoos covering his head, face and neck. And he carries a small mythological token on him.
But I’ll tell you, the way he spoke of it, was not in a deviant way. He talked about communing with nature. Maybe he was “nicing” it up for me because he knows I’m a yogi. Regardless, I feel pretty naive. But now I know, and I’m glad I didn’t at the start. Our biases are just sometimes too strong a pull.
To circle back, this is our 4th visit. And each time he leaves, he says, ” I appreciate you, thanks for taking the time to see me.” Which isn’t an uncommon phrase for my patients to use. I can’t see him as anything else but a respectful human being in front of me.
Normally he wears long sleeves and I get him working and sweating and he’s wishing he wore less layers. But today, he’s in a T-shirt, covered by his blue denim jacket with bright CDCR imprinted on the back. Having asked custody to remove the cuffs, I ask him to lie down on the table and he removes his jacket so I can access his back.
And there it is. First, a bright band of color that catches my eye (can’t be too detailed for privacy sake). And then peeking out from under his white T-shirt sleeve, just enough to see it but not a full view. A swastika tattoo.
He can’t see my reaction because his face is down, but I must have looked like a deer caught in the headlights. I think I was breathless for a moment. Not sure why I was so surprised. He looked the part. He just didn’t act it, towards me anyway.
I can’t take my eyes off it, as I’m discussing with him how stressful environments can trigger our bodies protection mode and we breath differently and hold our bodies differently. This can cause tension. And anything we hear, see, say, think can then trigger it again and again. I’m discussing my go-to breath technique to help reduce anxious thoughts and calm the mind, Alternate Nostril Breath. All the while, there’s this swastika staring back at me.
My mouth is saying other things to care for this human in front of me, but my mind is racing.
I’m wondering if he really believes in all that stands behind this symbol, or was this just in his past, a mistake. He’d already mentioned that he was too young and made a stupid mistake that got him locked up now for 20+ years.
I’m thinking about my husband’s Jewish family and would my patient think of me differently if he knew I was married to that heritage.
Now thinking back, with the image of his arm sealed in my mind, I’m heartbroken and brought to tears thinking about all the hate that’s associated with that symbol.
I’d only seen these body symbols in movies, but never up close on a human I was in charge of caring for. So many conflicting thoughts. And answers I’ll never have.
As professional caregivers we’re not allowed to discriminate based on bias’s. I know it happens, but that’s not me. And definitely not when one works in this setting.
I’d like to think he’s gotten to know me as the human in front of him, just as I’ve gotten to know him as the human in front of me.
We finish the session, by taking 5 rounds of Alternate Nostril Breath together. Centering and calming our nervous systems in sync. And as he leaves he says, “I appreciate you, thanks for taking the time to work with me.”
No surprise.
*just to note, I’ll be leaving out the name of the institution that I work at. It’s a state prison for reference. Images are not from the prison as no devices are allowed in.
Prison PT 
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