unsolicited share
This was maybe our third session together. Last session, he had some architecture magazines with him–the kind that have those enormous fancy homes. I asked what he liked about them. He replied, “it’s fun to dream.” He’s always come off more cerebral and quiet-spoken.
His goals when we first started were to 1. Be able to defend himself if needed. 2. Be able to climb a fence in order to get away if needed.
Not goals you would normally hear from someone on the outside. Clearly he was thinking of his needs prior to being incarcerated. And definitely guys inside need to be able to defend themselves if they’re involving themselves with politics within the prison. But I get the feeling he’s not….he spends each day in the law library searching for ways to seek an early parole. Guys like him are not reveling on their successes inside of prison….they’re seeking their way out so they can make sure they don’t die in here.
At the end of this session, I applied a heat pack to ease his pain and had his chair facing the view of the mountain and bay inlet. And he began to share. Unsolicited.
He began to talk about his responsibility in it all. His mom had warned him, “don’t do that, do this, be careful.” But he wasn’t ready to hear it when he was younger. She was right, if he had just been ready to listen.
He cared too much about how he looked and what the other kids would say because his clothes were old and ratty and he didn’t have new shoes. He saw other guys on the street doing certain things and how they had nice things. He figured he could do that too. He’s now been in and out of the system since the late 90’s.
He pointed out that some of the kids around him could get past all that material stuff. He sees them now and they’re all “successful.” But they came from the same background: single mom’s, same poor neighborhood, same school. They just didn’t let all that peer pressure get to them.
“I take 100% ownership in what got me into cuffs,” noting there have been legal issues which have extended his time.
I asked him what keeps him going. “That tomorrow will be a better day. And if it’s not, it’s on me. I’m 100% responsible for myself and the choices I make.”
I have to wonder why he decided to share all of this with me. We hadn’t been speaking about anything of the sort. I’m really thinking out loud here, because this just came to me as the reason…
The only thing I can think might have spurred it was a conversation we had during the visit when he brought the architecture magazines. I had mentioned that having a big house and all the fancy things doesn’t necessarily come with a good life.
I had just watched the Bernie Madoff series on Netflix and had discussed that you had this guy who stole from many thousands all to have nice, expensive things. And for what? Only to leave behind tragedy for so many so that he could have for himself. I suggested that yes, having your needs met is important: food, shelter, good support network. But that personally, I’d like to do that in the simplest way possible. Nice things don’t mean a nice life. It’s how you show up to the people around you.
So now with this in writing, perhaps it wasn’t unsolicited at all. He was sharing his side of that story and his desire to dream.
**just to note, I’ll be leaving out the name of the institution that I work at. It’s a state prison for reference. Images are not from the prison as no devices are allowed in.
Prison PT 
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